Shell Shocked: Connecting the digital TV adaptor to the refrigerator

The directions looked easy enough. They said to plug the cable connector into the “in” plug on the TV set which then gets plugged into the back of the digital cable adaptor which in turn gets plugged into the cable outlet which in turn gets plugged into the back of the TV set. This wire goes here and that cable goes there and that plug goes that away.
What the cable company didn’t count on is that I have three left hands. I am so mechanically deprived that I require technical assistance from some phone service in India to charge the battery on my electric shaver. Plus a follow up call to change the rotating blades once a year.
I almost always need assistance when devices go haywire. I have no natural talent to fix them myself. My handyman is always available if something goes wrong in my Sanibel home. If I hear beeping somewhere or the water pressure gets dangerously low; or the hot water isn’t hot enough; or there’s a small leak from one of the air conditioning vents; or the water filter needs changing — it’s the handyman to the rescue.
But for some masochistic reason I decided to try to install the digital adaptor myself. If it weren’t for the handyman I’d be completely lost around the house. He’s incredible at assembling anything that comes out of a carton. You name it — a chair, table, cabinet — he can assemble it. He’s got the gift. Sometimes I think he can assemble a Boeing 747 if they’d just let him. But I draw the line when it comes to turning on the air conditioning system, the DVD player, the clock radio and the sprinkler system. So the arrangement I have with the handyman is that he assembles — I turn things on. He also replaces the batteries in the smoke detector devices. That’s the story of our arrangement.
But recently I volunteered to attach a digital adaptor device to the one TV set that wasn’t serviced through a cable box. My handyman was astonished that I volunteered to do this because he assumed I would be calling India for technical assistance.
I had assumed that the cable company would send a technician to attach it. Little did I know that the cable company would simply send the device with all the cables and wires in the mail with instructions on how to assemble them. My handyman normally assembles things but he was busy that day assembling a Boeing 747.
When the instructions made it clear that even a child could assemble this simple device in five minutes, I decided to give it a try. Obviously, the cable company’s instructions weren’t meant for guys like me with three left hands and fifteen thumbs. Five minutes? It took me four days just to work up some courage to give it a shot.
So there I sat reading the instructions and getting my equipment lined up: the digital transport adapter, a 3-foot coaxial cable, a power cord, a remote control signal receiver, adhesive fasteners and a new remote control.
I made sure no one else was in the house to watch me go for the gold. Humiliation is something I try to shy away from. Not a chance. I wanted no audience to watch a prime time klutz at work. I guess I was a bit nervous to start with and almost strangled myself with the coaxial cable. Believe it or not, this actually got a chuckle out of me as I removed the cable from my neck. There was no one standing next to me to witness an unintentional suicide attempt.
So I huffed and I puffed and began plugging wires and cables into what I thought were the appropriate outlets. When I thought I was done I tried turning the TV set on. Nothing except snow flakes on the screen. Back to the drawing board.
I restudied the instructions and realized that one of the cables should have been connected to the “in” plug and not the TV plug and went at it again. I clicked on the TV set again assuming that all was well. Nothing. I called the cable company.
“Can I suggest something?” the technician asked.
“I’ve almost got it. What is it?” I responded haughtily.
He suggested that I connect the power cord from the digital device into the electrical outlet. I did so and when I turned on the TV set again I got a fine looking picture. I was feeling proud of myself when I realized that I had removed the refrigerator power cord from the outlet and plugged in the TV.
I rebooted the fridge and found a free outlet for the TV. I could swear I heard sarcastic applause coming from somewhere. My paranoia was kicking in. But the good news is I actually did it all by myself — with one final suggestion from the cable.
I now get all the TV channels that I couldn’t get when the universal TV system went from analog to digital. So I’m on a roll and am now confident that I can set the alarm button on my travel alarm clock without any assistance whatsoever.
Art Stevens is a long-time columnist for the Sanibel-Captiva Islander. His tongue-in-cheek humor is always offered with a smile.