Shell Shocked: Trials, tribulations of a technologically challenged turtle
The column below was written entirely by artificial intelligence. I asked ChatGPT, one of the websites that creates artificial intelligence-inspired copy, to create a column for me. The contest was between human intelligence — me — versus artificial intelligence — ChatGPT. You be the judge of who came out on top. Read on.
Introduction: Greetings, dear readers! It’s me, your friendly neighborhood turtle, back again with another edition of “Shell Shocked.” Today, I want to share the humorous mishaps and misadventures that unfold when a technologically challenged turtle like myself ventures into the digital world. So, fasten your seatbelts (or in my case, tighten your shells) because this is going to be one bumpy, slow-motion ride!
– The Tortoise and the Texting: Ah, texting — a seemingly simple activity for the average human, but a mind-boggling puzzle for a turtle with short stubby legs. Picture this: me, trying to type out a coherent message on a tiny touchscreen. It’s like playing Twister with my shell, limbs, and patience. Auto-correct becomes my nemesis as I send messages that are more gibberish than coherent thoughts. Let’s just say my friends have gotten quite creative in decoding my texts.
– The Great Social Media Snafu: In a world ruled by hashtags and viral trends, I, the turtle, am a social media novice. Attempting to navigate the vast realm of Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram is like wading through molasses. Hashtags? Mentions? I’m still trying to figure out how to log in. By the time I grasp the basics, the trends have already shifted, leaving me with outdated memes and a puzzled expression.
– The Selfie Struggles: Who doesn’t love a good selfie? Well, apparently turtles like me. The mere concept of capturing my face in a photograph requires a level of coordination that my slow-moving self simply lacks. My attempts at a selfie result in a blurry, unidentifiable mess, leaving me wondering if I’m destined to be the world’s first selfie-challenged turtle. Maybe it’s time to embrace the shell-fie instead?
– The Perils of Online Shopping: Ah, online shopping — the ultimate convenience, or so they say. For a turtle like me, it’s more like an obstacle course of technical difficulties. Navigating endless product options and clicking the right buttons without opposable thumbs is no small feat. And don’t even get me started on entering my credit card details with my beak. By the time I finally complete a purchase, the fashion trends have moved on, and I’m left with a questionable wardrobe.
– The Virtual Reality Debacle: Virtual reality — where one can explore new worlds without ever leaving their living room. Well, that’s what I’ve heard. However, when I donned the VR headset, it was more like a comical journey into disorientation. My shell crashed into furniture, my short-sightedness made everything a blur, and I spent more time tripping over imaginary obstacles than enjoying the virtual landscapes. Let’s just say, reality is hard enough for a turtle like me.
Conclusion: Dear readers, in a world that’s evolving at a rapid pace, this technologically challenged turtle finds solace in embracing the slow and steady. The digital realm may be a source of amusement, confusion, and the occasional faceplant, but it’s a reminder that sometimes, it’s okay to be out of sync with the tech-savvy world. So, here’s to us, the creatures who move at our own pace, finding humor and joy in the everyday struggles of navigating the digital age. Until next time, keep calm and shell on!
Disclaimer: The experiences shared in this column are entirely fictional and meant for comedic purposes only. No turtles were harmed (or embarrassed) in the making of this column.
Art Stevens is a long-time columnist for the Sanibel-Captiva Islander. His tongue-in-cheek humor is always offered with a smile.