Shell Shocked: Life is a check list
Do laundry, Call the plumber, Send a birthday card to Sarah. Pay bills, Punish Jack.
Everything we do in life is written down in a check list otherwise we’ll forget to do them. There’s a check list for every phase of our lives.
Elementary school
Do homework, put Peggy’s pigtail in the inkwell, bring Mrs. Brown an apple, get my baseball glove back from Timmy, ask dad for a new bike, get new marbles from Bobby, hide when mom comes looking for me to go to the grocery store, run away from home, become a fireman.
High school
Learn how to dance, kiss Sally, try out for the chess team, drink a barrel of beer, bone up on trigonometry, pick a college, get the keys to dad’s car, kiss Sally again, say no to cigarettes, say yes to bourbon, grow a beard, shave the beard, learn how to use the barbecue grill, be nice to mom, kiss Sally again, don’t jaywalk, be nice to grandma, obey dad, kiss Sally again, buy some 78 rpm records.
College
Major in pre-law, write Sally, call grandma, tell mom I can handle being away from home, get even with my roommate, join a fraternity, major in pre-med, find an easy elective course, go to the varsity football game, forget about Sally’s dear John letter, kiss Emily, tell dad I need more spending money, take the bartender job, learn how to make a margarita, don’t steal from the cash register, kiss Barbara, try out for the varsity soccer team, nurse that hamstring injury, study for the English exam, go hiking with my frat brothers in Yosemite, major in education, get an A in French, learn how to make a daiquiri, major in business.
First Job
Polish an apple, make a good impression, curb my anger, buy a pen, learn more social media, curb my anxiety, come up with great ideas, don’t overdo it, kiss Mary, stay single, don’t get stoned, have a fraternity reunion, call mom and dad, take my boss out to lunch, learn and learn more, get promoted as soon as possible, stay at my desk until 8 pm so the boss can see me there when he leaves, arrive at work at 7 am so the boss sees me when he arrives, undermine my peers, keep cool, kiss Irma.
Middle Age
Fire Tony, fight the divorce, tell Irma it’s all over and confess to my wife, visit Johnny at Yale, run ad for a new office manager, time to downsize with three kids in college, buy a place in Florida, take wife to Tahiti, ask Irma to move her things out of the pied a terre, prepare presentation for board of directors, tell my neighbor to curb his dog, try a new hair style to show more hair, grow a beard, extend my tax filing deadline.
Retirement
Need new golf shoes, while I’m at it buy a new set of clubs, try a new orthopedist for my knee, get more exercise, start a diet, start a garden, look into river cruises, stay married, tell Irma that she really needs to get her things out the pied a terre, get tickets to a Johnny Mathis concert, change medication for depression, invite the grandkids, bail my son out of jail, buy my wife a 50th anniversary present and take her to a fancy restaurant, get more exercise, attend the 50th anniversary fraternity reunion, pay the long term care bill, take some more golf lessons, think about cosmetic surgery, visit the office for old time’s sake, plan an afternoon nap for tomorrow.
Art Stevens is a long-time columnist for the Islander. His tongue-in-cheek humor is always offered with a smile.