Shell Shocked: All the Sanibel news that’s fit to print
For those of you snowbirds that are just now straggling back to Sanibel, there’s a lot to report. September has been a particularly heavy news month and this newspaper just didn’t have the space to report on all of it. The Charmin ads alone occupied sixty per cent of the newspaper.
As a public service, I will devote this space to report the news that was never made available. All of these accounts are indeed in the category of “stop the presses.”
– Sept. 1 Bill Dexter made a note on his calendar to call his good friend Pat Longman the next day to find out how his big toe is.
– Sept. 2 Bill forgets to make the call because he is jostling with fellow shoppers at Noah’s Arc while Pat waits by the phone all day giving up a round of golf in the process. Pat throws his phone out the window that evening and shouts “Let Bill eat cake.”
– Sept. 4 Mary Jones calls a cleaning service to clean her house.
– Sept. 5 Todd Smith sharpens a pencil at 10:45 am.
– Sept. 6 Joe Pacheco, the Sanibel Island poet laureate, asks an audience to choose a subject and he would create a poem on the spot. The subject chosen was garbage collection and Joe demonstrated his brilliance by creating an instant classic called “An Ode to Debris.” Joe also makes a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich on stage which was awarded to the patron who screamed the loudest.
– Sept. 7 Bart Macbeth, a local actor, announced that he would play all the parts in the Sanibel phone directory at an upcoming performance at the Herb Strauss Theater. Tickets will go on sale alphabetically.
– Sept. 8 A raffle drawing to benefit the victims of procrastination went on sale at Bailey’s. First prize is a six-pack of Bic disposable razors.
– Sept. 9 Herb Teabag hiccuped three times during a showing of “Iron Man XXV” at the Sanibel Cinema. He was booed out of the theater.
– Sept. 12 Ibuprofen was banned from Sanibel stores when a random survey disclosed that nine out of ten people misspell the word. The acetaminophen industry has distributed dictionaries to the community as a precaution.
– Sept. 14 A pound of Sanibel sea shells is now worth $150 on the commodities exchange.
– Sept. 16 New yellow lines are being planned for SanCap Road, but progress is delayed because of differing opinions on the shade of yellow the road should be. Sanibel’s jet setters prefer a splashy shade of yellow while the tea partiers prefer the mustard variety.
– Sept. 18 A trash holiday is declared by the City Council allowing residents to rummage through their neighbors’ trash to find cups and saucers that were never returned.
– Sept. 21 Sanibel tourism now includes a moonlight glimpse of the Sanibel skyline.
– Sept. 22 Today’s astrology predictions for Cancers: pay attention to your subconscious and leave a 20 per cent tip for your waiter. Your inner joy at your newfound largesse will be rewarded by mints on the way out.
– Sept. 23 IRS inspectors surround the home of the Turkesians because the eldest son neglected to declare the proceeds of a 1938 Superman comic book.
– Sept. 24 The Sanibel City Council has voted to formalize its new name the Sanibel City Council.
– Sept. 25 Zonta has joined forces with B’nai B’rith and will henceforth be known as Tanta Zonta.
– Sept. 26 All revocable trusts will now become irrevocable unless, of course, you send a chocolate cake to your IRS representative.
– Sept. 27 Bob Armenian plans to make a long distance call on December 23rd to wish his dad, the Shah of Iran, a happy birthday.
– Sept. 28 Jennie Zilch plans to celebrate St. Jude’s Day by whining for twenty-four consecutive hours.
– Sept. 29 Free adrenaline will be distributed to the first one hundred courage seeking residents at any walk in medical clinic.
– Sept. 30 Bill, a checkout clerk at Bailey’s, was relieved of his duties when he was caught flatfooted dangling a participle. His replacement was authorized to use the subjunctive tense in a sentence.
And there you have it. All the news that was never reported.