Shell Shocked: Remembering Rodney Dangerfield
Do you remember the comedian Rodney Dangerfield whose tagline was “I don’t get no respect?” He’s been gone for about twelve years but his humor helped shape standup comedy for generations to come.
He would come out on stage and constantly straighten his tie with nervous gestures calculated to form the character he became. He rattled off jokes faster than a speeding bullet. Here’s a Dangerfield sampler:
When I was a kid we played hide and seek. But nobody ever looked for me.
I just broke up with my psychiatrist. I told him I have suicidal tendencies. He said from now on I have to pay him in advance.
I get nervous on a plane. One time the captain made an announcement and asked if anyone knew if the Miami airport was open late Thursday night.
My wife told me she gave me the best years of her life. What worries me is what’s coming up?
When I have too much to drink I need to do two things the next day. I gotta locate my car. And I gotta bring back the car I took.
My neighborhood is so tough where I live that when I plan my monthly budget I have to allow for hold up money.
In my same neighborhood there’s a cop so tough he fired three warning shots into the guy he was warning.
My kid goes to a tough school in that same neighborhood. I went to see the guidance counselor. They told me he was out one to three years.
That school was so tough that in the graduation book each kid has two photos one front and one profile.
My father was a workaholic. He’d come home from work and he’d drink.
When I’m drunk I don’t know what I’m doing. I gave my doctor a urine specimen. There was an olive in it.
I started to look out for number one and stepped in number two.
I made a deal with my wife. I said I would give up smoking after sex. I have the same pack since 1975.
I have a dumb dog. We call him Egypt. In every room he leaves a pyramid.
I said to my kid someday you’ll have children of your own. He said so will you.
Last week my wife signed me up for a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
Last week I looked up my family tree. Two dogs were using it.
I met a girl in a bar. She said why don’t you come over later. There’s nobody home. She was right. I went over later and there was nobody home.
I don’t get no respect. Last week my house was on fire. My wife said to the kids be quiet or you’ll wake up daddy.
Thank you, Rodney Dangerfield.