Shell Shocked: Make Sanibel great again
The City Council campaign is in full swing. There are four candidates running for three positions. The campaign is fierce. Every resident is being bombarded by emails and mail boxes are being stuffed with leaflets.
Each of the candidates is eminently qualified. Each has given a great deal to the Sanibel community and it’s a pity we can’t vote all four onto the City Council.
But wait. A fifth candidate has emerged at the eleventh hour. He is making the rounds of Sanibel restaurants to introduce himself, shake hands and extol his virtues. He passes out leaflets. Each says “Make Sanibel Great Again.”
I’ve managed to hunt this new candidate down and sit him down for an exclusive interview. Sitting him down wasn’t easy. He has so much energy that he continued to break through the hand cuffs and strait jacket. But I was able to capture his vision of what Sanibel would look like if he’s elected to the City Council.
Art: Please stop squirming and tell my readers what your vision of Sanibel is.
Candidate X: Sanibel is a disaster. The present City Council members are losers. They’ve run Sanibel into the ground. Not a single high rise building has ever been built here. And no sports team would think of building a stadium in Sanibel.
Art: But aren’t you familiar with the Sanibel covenants which protect Sanibel from too much commercialism and promise to maintain just the right environmental balance?
Candidate X: Environment, enshrivonment. There are too many alligators and birds in Sanibel. How can there be a peace agreement between wild life and people if wild life continues to build new settlements? Will that foster a two-state resolution? I say put the wildlife in zoos and build on their land.
Art: Don’t you think that’s too harsh a solution?
Candidate X: Too harsh? You wimp. You’re like all the media around here. You can’t handle the truth. The first thing I would do when I’m elected mayor is to put a blockade on day trippers. I would restrict daily passage into Sanibel only to those who promise to spend a certain amount of money here. All others I would send back to their refugee camps.
Art: That isn’t very democratic.
Candidate X: Tough times require tough action. Sanibel is a shell of its former self. Business is off. Tourism is down by 240 percent. The weekend art festivals on Periwinkle are turning into mass riots. Noah’s Ark has raised its prices to Bloomingdale’s levels. Road rage is rampant. Sanibel is a mess. If I’m elected to the City Council I promise to make Sanibel great again.
Art: But there are lots of folks in Sanibel who think Sanibel is already great.
Candidate X: I would round up those people and send them to detention camps. They’re hallucinating. They are a disaster. I would only allow fabulous people to live in Sanibel. Believe me, I will make Sanibel great again.
I also plan to build a wall between Sanibel and Captiva. The residents of Captiva will pay for that wall or we’ll suspend all commercial traffic there.
Art: What would the purpose of a wall between Sanibel and Captiva serve?
Candidate X: Sanibel will no longer be used as a way station to Captiva and back. They’re using up our roads, walking on our beaches, collecting our sea shells and eating our blackened food. Plus Captiva continues to send some bad hombres here.
Art: How would you sum up your vision of government?
Candidate X: Get rid of everyone on the Sanibel City Council and just vote for me. I alone can make Sanibel great again. Crime has risen in Sanibel by 95 percent. Sugar packs are being stolen from every restaurant in Sanibel and the police turn their backs on this.
Hoodlums are roaming the beaches stealing valuable sea shells. Anarchy reigns. My vision is to restore law, order and traffic lights to Sanibel and enforce early bird specials. I know how to negotiate with people so that they always lose. I’ll make Sanibel great again.
Art: Thank you for your time. Folks, don’t forget to vote.
-Art Stevens is a long-time columnist for The Islander. His tongue-in-cheek humor is always offered with a smile.