Shell Shocked: Miracle drugs
Those of you who watch the evening news on television like I do know that rating wars are based on how many viewers over the age of 55 each network can attract.
The more viewers a network can attract of this age group, the more money it can charge for commercials. The pharmaceutical companies understand this and bombard the TV news shows with commercials plugging new drugs. Most of these drugs treat illnesses and diseases many of us have never heard of. But the commercials are glossy, expensive and tell compelling stories. You almost wish you had one of those diseases so that you could use the drug being plugged.
For the past few weeks, I’ve been indexing the various diseases that can be cured or curtailed. They cover every organ, bodily function and nerve ending. They cover pain, inability to function properly, and the heartache of whatever.
The networks that get these commercials are prospering and the pharmaceutical companies are counting dollar signs on the part of patients who visit their physicians and ask about the drugs they’ve seen dramatized on the TV news shows.
I discovered several conditions I didn’t know I had by watching these commercials and decided to make an appointment with my primary care physician to discuss relief.
Art: Hi, Doctor. I recently watched a commercial that captured a condition I’m suffering from. I didn’t even know there was a remedy for that condition until I saw that commercial.
Doc: I’ve got your medical chart here and I believe we’ve prescribed medication for all that ails you. What new condition did you discover from this commercial?
Art: I procrastinate.
Doc: Say, what?
Art: Yes, I procrastinate. All these years I thought it was merely a function of my mental health. I thought that I should see a shrink about this condition but I never got around to it. So I’ve been procrastinating all these years.
Doc: And you say that there’s a new drug out to cure that? I guess I’m not current on it. What’s its name and what is it supposed to do?
Art: It’s called Procrasimin and it sends signals to the neurons in the brain that control pacing and movement. The commercial is a dramatization of a woman who procrastinates so badly that it took her 12 months to give birth. Another dramatization shows an Olympic diver standing on a diving board for about three hours before starting his dive. That’s serious procrastination. Once these people took this new drug the woman gave birth in four months and the diver began his dive in the locker room.
Doc: It sure sounds like a miracle drug. Let me look it up in the Physicians’ Desk Reference. This book analyzes all new drugs. Here, let me see. Procrasimin, yes, here it is. It was approved by the FDA three months ago after undergoing extensive clinical trials. It appears to nip procrastination in the bud. But the potential side effects need to be disclosed. One of the more significant side effects is an inability to play an accordion.
Art: Well, that’s a relief. I’ve never played an accordion and don’t intend to start. What else?
Doc: Rapid actions may develop that are the complete opposite of procrastination. For example, when you play golf, you will start at the first hole but then proceed directly to the fourth hole. That could affect your entire game.
Art: I’d rather have that than the opposite. Because I procrastinate I wait an hour before playing the next hole. It takes me an entire weekend to play nine holes.
Doc: Here’s another side effect. You will become an addicted multi-tasker. You will start 12 new projects every morning and finish them all before noon. You will then require a three-hour nap before you undertake 12 additional new tasks. This seems to be the antidote to procrastination.
Art: I’ll do it, I’ll do it. Can you give me a prescription?
Doc: Well, it’s sure worth a try. Here you go. Take this to your closest pharmacy. Is there anything else I can do for you today?
Art: Well, uh, yes. I saw another commercial on the TV news that featured a drug that would allow me to see through walls. Let’s talk about that one as well.
-Art Stevens is a long-time columnist for The Islander. His tongue-in-cheek humor is always offered with a smile.