Shell Shocked: Check rage
Reaching for the check? Think again. Restaurants aren’t inexpensive anymore. A glass of wine could cost you 15 bucks. A shrimp cocktail 13 bucks. And a Caesar’s salad 16 bucks without the anchovies.
Splitting a check with another couple can wipe out your stock market gains for the day. If that other couple is into high fare food like lobster and vintage wine, you can expect both indigestion as well as angina when you throw your credit card onto the check. All you and your wife had were two appetizers to help keep your weight down. The check arrives and the total is $300 of which two-thirds covers what the lobster couple consumed and one-third for you and your wife the tomato and mozzarella couple.
You look at the check and know that if you split it you’re getting the short end of the stick. You’re being just as overcharged as the auto service bill you got recently when you were charged ten dollars for a new radiator cap and $150 for labor.
Sometimes the other couple you dine with is more sensitive to the disparity and will volunteer to pay their fair share. But your honor system prevails if you’ve already agreed to split the check. You swallow hard and say no, no, let’s just split it. But you make an attempt at humor by saying “Next time we have dinner I’ll order the whole cow.” Chuckle, chuckle.
Yet there are still restaurant patrons out there who insist on itemizing all items on the check exactly as consumed. A leader is assigned to carry out this task someone who has a pedigree in higher mathematics, diplomacy, self-control and self-defense.
“Let’s see, you had the chicken parmesan with pasta. I also had chicken parmesan but with a salad and not pasta. Mine is $1.50 less than yours. And you had the de-caf coffee with the bread pudding. Fifty-five minus 12 plus 2.5 minus one-half tax plus x minus z over s. You owe $55.28 and I owe $16.32. That seems about right to me.”
You’re outraged, of course, because you know in your heart you each had just about the same menu choices. But you swallow your bile, smile and say “Sure thing.”
But imagine if a group of 10 people are at the table and all agree to itemize. You’d need an abacus as well as a calculator. It will take the check expert an hour to itemize each morsel of food for ten people and yell across the table, “Harriet, your share is 39 dollars and 52 cents. You did have the blue cheese on your salad, didn’t you?” And then the chief check calculator adds up all the cash and credit card contributions to make sure everyone has chipped in. If the total is 50 cents off then it’s back to the drawing board.
Obviously, the best solution to all this is to ask for separate checks. In this way you pay exactly for what you order. There would be no need for the silent rage that follows when the other couple orders a bottle of Chateau Lafite Rothschild. Or the need to itemize each and every item down to the number of salt grains and butter patties consumed.
There would be no need for an abacus, a calculator or an anxiety pill. All parties would leave as friends and agree to dine together very soon. You wouldn’t have to argue if the tip is too small or too large. And no gesture of largesse would be necessary even if your wife nudges you under the table that it’s your turn to pick up the entire check.
And you wouldn’t have to make a deal with the waiter on your way to the men’s room during the meal to be sure to place the check near the other diners. Separate checks save marriages, family relationships, and friendships. They insure world peace and a reduction of violence.
Get onboard. Eliminate check rage forever.
-Art Stevens is a long-time columnist for The Islander. His tongue-in-cheek humor is always offered with a smile.