Shell Shocked: Musings of a free associator
If it’s so important to be earnest then why didn’t my parents name me Ernest?
And if we should be frank with each other why wasn’t I named Frank? And why aren’t you named Frank? And why isn’t your sister named Frank? I know a lady who makes vases. Should we call her the wizard of vase?
What I’m demonstrating here is the power of free association. If not that then the power of a bottle of wine. Is the opposite of free association paid association?
My doctor sat me down the other day and gave me his diagnosis. He said that my tests came back and the bad news is that I only have forty more years to live. Seeing how glum I was at hearing this devastating news the doctor said that he would add new prescriptions to the twenty I was already taking to try to pump up the number of years left to fifty.
I told him that I authorized him to pull the plug on me in twelve years if Chelsea Clinton ran against Donald Trump, Jr. for president.
Have you been to the new Doc Ford’s as yet? I’m so used to the old one that I park my car there and walk to the new one. I wonder what type of restaurant will replace the old Doc Ford’s. Since Doc Ford is a character in an ongoing series of mystery thrillers I think the new restaurant at the site of the old Doc Ford’s should also be named after a fictional sleuth.
How about Jack Reacher’s? Or Harry Bosch’s? Or even Sherlock Holmes’s? I think Hercules Poirot’s would be too difficult to pronounce.
Did you know that Bob Dylan will be performing at the Barbara Mann in late November? Yes, the elusive, mysterious, legendary Bob Dylan. Admit it now, do you actually understand the lyrics to his songs when he sings?
By the way, now that we’re cooking on two out of six cylinders do you know the difference between a rock and a hard place? Personally, I don’t think I ever did. But do you know the difference between a pebble and a stone? Is a pebble larger or smaller than a stone? Your homework assignment will be to find the answer to this question.
And while we’re at it what’s the difference between a brook and a stream? I’ve heard of babbling brooks. Are there screaming streams as well?
Here’s to our snow birds who will be returning to Sanibel shortly for a full and active winter. Are you snow birds aware of what Sanibel does during the summer months to make your return that much more comfortable and inviting?
Well for one thing, many of the roads are repaved during the summer. And new white lines are repainted down the center of our roads. And six new traffic lights have been installed. Do I have your attention now? Only kidding.
New rare shells have been covertly placed on our beaches by the Sanibel Chamber of Commerce so that some lucky lady from Michigan gets to find a rare junonia and poses for a photo for the Islander. That lady will return a hero to her native Michigan and have a school named after her all because of the clever antics of the Chamber marketing team. Every time a junonia is found on the beaches of Sanibel, hordes of shell collectors gather from throughout the universe to try out their Sanibel stoop.
There’s a rumor that Donald Trump will be coming to Sanibel to perform at the Herb Strauss Theater. Twitter is buzzing about the Donald’s lifelong desire to recite Shakespeare publicly. He’s been rehearsing the soliloquy from “Hamlet” and plans to unveil his more cerebral side right in Sanibel. “To be or not to be. You better believe it.”
I’m still refused membership in the Sanibel-Captiva Optimist Club. They say I’m not optimistic enough. They want me to say that the glass is half full when all I can see is a half empty glass. Why does that make me a pessimist? I do see the bright side of life, especially when I wear rose-colored glasses. I then become a cockeyed optimist. That’s still a positive.
And, finally, when is Sanibel going to put forward a referendum on exiting Lee County? The Brits voted to exit the European Union. To emphasize the defiance of the British people Queen Elizabeth threw her French perfume into the Thames River. Sanibel needs to get up its own courage and assert itself as well.
Sanibel is getting the short end of the stick by remaining subservient to Lee County. We need to assess our reciprocal trade agreements with Lee County and limit the invasion of day trippers to a mere one million a day. We should form our own county. Besides, if no one knows the difference between a pebble and a stone; or a brook and a stream, who would know the difference between an incorporated city and a county?
I like the sound of Sanibel County. It has a ring to it. Makes us more like the mouse that roared.
But getting back to the importance of being Earnest, I don’t like the name Ernest anyway. It’s not really a name at all. It’s an adjective.
-Art Stevens is a long-time columnist for The Islander. His tongue-in-cheek humor is always offered with a smile.