close

Shell Shocked: Getting old in style

4 min read

Why do older people often get frail, fragile and hunched over? Why is nature punishing us for living a long life? I asked God about this the other day and believe it or not He was stuck for an answer. Can you imagine that? God being stuck for an answer?

God said to me, “You know, I hadn’t thought about that before. I work with Mother Nature on these matters and she reminded me that we reached an agreement billions of years ago to create old age and mortality to help preserve the planet earth. But I must have gotten sidetracked with creating new and exciting miracles without realizing what old people typically go through. I agree that it doesn’t seem fair.”

I was not satisfied: “I can understand why babies are born small and dumb. They need to grow to childhood, puberty, adolescence, adulthood and middle age. But why make us go through the humiliating process of decrepitude when we get into our nineties? Must we always rely on medicine and research to create longevity and not on you, God? Why not permit us to stand on two strong legs before we meet up with you in heaven?”

God thought about this for a while. He sat on his throne high above and peered down at the miracle He had created earth and life on it. “If I recall correctly,” He said, “Methuselah lived for 900 years. So I’ve been very liberal with the human species periodically and have entertained longer lives than usual.”

“But, God,” I said, “Many Bible experts say that the number of years attributed to Methuselah has been exaggerated. They say that not one of your children lived that long a life.”

“I’ll have to establish a newer New Testament to clear all that up, I see. But what are you asking of me?”

“As much as mankind would like to live forever, I realize that’s out of the question. But the least you can do is to make our senior years more comfortable and tolerable. Why don’t You allow us to maintain 50-year-old bodies and minds until the end comes regardless of when?”

God was puzzled. “I’m not sure I understand. Please explain.”

“Suppose You allow all human beings past the age of 50 to remain just the way they are even though more years may pass. For example, when I turn 95, and I hope you will allow me to do that, my mind and body are the same as they were when I was 50. Whenever death comes at least I won’t have to endure being decrepit the way older people are now. It’s embarrassing to have our elders confined to walkers, wheel chairs, canes and crutches.

“Allow our 90-year-olds to be spry, energetic, and strong. Let them play tennis, go sky diving and climb mountains. Let them compete with younger people. Let them go out in a blaze of glory rather than as crumpled old people. It just isn’t fair,” I protested.

I expected God to leave in a huff. But he didn’t. He placed his immense hand under his chin and pondered. And he pondered some more. He finally spoke: “Hmmm that means I could have allowed Barry Bonds to hit more than one thousand home runs by allowing him to keep more of his youth. And I could have prevented Rene Zellweger from having to do cosmetic surgery on her lips. And Mohamed Ali to fight for another 10 years. The possibilities are limitless.

“But I can’t take any of that back. Tell you what I’ll do. I will make a deal with you. I will start with your great American singer Tony Bennett who just turned 90 and is still performing. I’ll allow him to continue performing at the same level for another 30 years if you can do one thing for me.”

I was close to making a deal with God. How unprecedented. “Anything you wish, God,” I said anticipating praise and adulation from my fellow human beings for pulling this off.

“I’d like Taylor Swift’s autograph. She has so many bodyguards around her that I simply can’t get near her.”

-Art Stevens is a long-time columnist for The Islander. His tongue-in-cheek humor is always offered with a smile.