Shell Shocked: Pigging out at Sanibel’s newest restaurant
I’m thinking of opening a new restaurant in Sanibel. So many have come and gone over the years that one more attempt at providing culinary joy should be applauded. We once had a very good Thai restaurant called Bangkok House which used to be hard to get into. The food was sensational.
We had a great French restaurant called Jean-Paul and a Japanese restaurant called Noopies. There were attempts at Chinese and Mexican food fare but they folded their tents long ago. Sanibel diners can be very choosy and a brand new restaurant must be trendy, attractive and compelling.
What enduring culinary delights could I offer Sanibel diners who are already spoiled by the likes of Traders, Mad Hatter and Sweet Melissa’s? I would need to lure a great chef to Sanibel once I determine what type of food to serve. And there are so many seafood restaurants in Sanibel that we’d run out of grouper before the doors of my new restaurant would open.
I need to assess why certain foreign food themes have come and gone in Sanibel. Is it that French, Japanese, Chinese and Mexican food didn’t meet the palate test among sophisticated Sanibel gourmands? Or is the answer that the restaurants who served such food simply didn’t measure up?
It’s clear that my new restaurant must be at once different yet delicious. My thought process is working properly. What are the current dining trends? There’s vegan, gluten-free and small portions. How would they do in Sanibel? Small plates pass the sniff test but I doubt that vegan and one hundred percent gluten-free restaurants would attract robust diners.
My analysis is leading me to one glaring conclusion. My restaurant will be directed to the excessive appetites of convicted murderers eating their final meals before execution; to dieters going off the food wagon to begin massive food binges; to the vegans who miss fat; and to the occasional restaurant diner who ODs on lettuce and corn flakes at home.
My restaurant will be called Mo’ Calories and every menu item will contain ten times the number of calories recommended by standard nutritional guidelines. Every entre will be cooked with Crisco, butter or lard. Fat would not be snipped off steaks and chops. The portions would be sizable and chicken fat would be served to smear onto bread. Double servings would be encouraged and vanilla milkshakes would be served in addition to fine wines.
Specials of the day would be called “Fat Slob Fatty Steak,” “Pig Out Spaghetti” and “Beer Belly Meat Loaf.” My restaurant would guarantee a weight gain of no less than five pounds or double your money back. Patrons would be asked to leave their pangs of conscience at the door along with their six-shooters. Who could resist such a meal…occasionally?
Haven’t you had wild thoughts about having occasional meals out with no holds barred? About eating anything and everything with no guilt, restraint and punishment? Are there enough of you out there? If so, I bid you a hearty welcome to Mo’ Calories.
Watch for the grand opening.
Art Stevens is a long-time columnist for The Islander. His tongue-in-cheek humor is always offered with a smile.