PHOTO PROVIDED Art Stevens

Reaching for the check? Think again. Restaurants aren’t inexpensive anymore. A glass of wine could cost you fifteen bucks. A shrimp cocktail thirteen bucks. And a Caesar’s salad sixteen bucks — without the anchovies.

Splitting a check with another couple can wipe out your stock market gains for the day. If that other couple is into high fare food like lobster and vintage wine, you can expect both indigestion as well as angina when you throw your credit card onto the check. All you and your wife had were two appetizers to help keep your weight down. The check arrives and the total is $300 — of which two-thirds covers what the lobster couple consumed and one-third for you and your wife — the tomato and mozzarella couple.

You look at the check and know that if you split it you’re getting the short end of the stick. You’re being just as overcharged as the auto service bill you got recently when you were charged ten dollars for a new radiator cap and $150 for labor.

Sometimes the other couple you dine with is more sensitive to the disparity and will volunteer to pay their fair share. But your honor system prevails if you’ve already agreed to split the check. You swallow hard and say no, no, let’s just split it. But you make an attempt at humor by saying “Next time we have dinner I’ll order the whole cow.” Chuckle, chuckle.

Art Stevens is a long-time columnist for the Sanibel-Captiva Islander. His tongue-in-cheek humor is always offered with a smile.