PHOTO PROVIDED Art Stevens

Ah, the noble waiter, the unsung hero of the dining world. With their trusty notepad in hand and their charming smile, they waltz through the restaurant jungle, dodging impatient diners and navigating the treacherous waters of food preferences. But what makes a great waiter? How should they behave in a landmined culinary battlefield? Here’s to the college students and out of work actors who bide their place in the world by living on restaurant tips. Here are rules to follow to achieve success in the art of generating massive tips.

Timing is everything in the world of waitering. Approach too soon, and you risk interrupting a heated debate about whether pineapple belongs on pizza. Wait too long, and your customers might start considering foraging for their own food. It’s a delicate dance, akin to performing heart surgery while juggling flaming torches. So, waiters, hone your timing skills like a ninja mastering the art of stealth. Be present, but not overbearing. Anticipate needs like a psychic octopus predicting the World Cup results. And remember, just because a table consisting of ten diners who looks like they’re on the verge of starvation, doesn’t mean they’re ready to order. They may be deep in conversation and any competent waiter knows better than to intrude.

The gift of gab is the silver tongue of the hospitality world. A great waiter is part therapist, part comedian, and part mind reader. You must charm your customers with your witty banter while also deciphering their cryptic orders. Tell the diners your life history and they will tip you grandly. But pay close attention to the food ordering process. One mistake and you’re back to dish washing. Listen closely when a customer says, “I’ll have the salad, but hold the lettuce, add extra croutons, and can you make sure the dressing is on the side, but not too far on the side?” Get this right and you’ve got an extra five spot at the end. Wrong. But never forget the verbal polish that is part of the job. With great linguistic prowess comes great tips. So, polish those one-liners, rehearse your anecdotes, and remember, a smile can go a long way — even if you’d rather be auditioning for Hamlet.

As any seasoned waiter will tell you, invisibility is your greatest superpower. You must learn to blend into the background like a chameleon at a colorblind convention. Clear plates with the stealth of a ninja defusing a bomb, refill drinks without so much as a whisper, and always be ready to vanish into thin air when the check arrives. Your presence should be felt, but never noticed. It’s a delicate balance, like walking a tightrope in stiletto heels. But fear not, for with practice, you too can become a master of the vanishing act.

In the chaotic world of restaurants, anything can happen. Orders get mixed up, dishes get dropped, and sometimes, customers decide to re-enact the food fight scene from Animal House. It’s all part of the job, my dear waiters, so buckle up and embrace the madness. Keep your cool in the face of adversity, laugh in the face of calamity, and remember, a little chaos makes for a more interesting dinner service. Just think of it as dinner theater, with a side of calamari.

Finally, remember to have fun. Yes, the job can be stressful, and yes, you’ll encounter your fair share of difficult customers. But at the end of the day, you’re part of an industry that brings joy, laughter, and delicious food into people’s lives. So, crack a joke, share a smile, and remember, the best tip you can receive is the satisfaction of knowing you’ve made someone’s day a little brighter, and an expanded waistline. Plus, free leftovers are always a perk.

In conclusion, being a waiter is no easy feat. It requires patience, charm, and the ability to disappear at a moment’s notice. But fear not, for armed with these five commandments, you too can navigate the restaurant jungle like a seasoned pro. So go forth, dear waiters, and may your tips be plentiful, and your customers always leave room for dessert.

Art Stevens is a long-time columnist for the Sanibel-Captiva Islander. His tongue-in-cheek humor is always offered with a smile.