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Shell Shocked: The sad case of unrequited love

By Staff | Mar 10, 2020

Art Stevens

I have a confession to make. I’m in love with Charlize Theron and have been for years. Yes, my wife knew about it and encouraged it anyway. Her take on the situation was that I don’t know Charlize Theron personally, have never met her and she wouldn’t know me from Abner Doubleday.

I first fell in love with her when I saw her in one of her early movies called “Two Days in the Valley.” She was twenty-one years old at the time and played a bombshell by the name of Helga Svelgen. She dies at the end of the movie, but the beauty, charm, talent and charisma were clearly evident.

Since then I’ve seen every movie she’s ever made including her Academy Award winning portrayal of a gross serial killer in the movie “Monster.” In this movie, she managed to forego her natural beauty to play a grotesque version of a female Joker who goes around killing men.

Fortunately for me, she resumed playing glamourous, beautiful women after winning her Academy Award for Best Actress. Charlize doesn’t know about my feelings for her. If she did I’m certain she would come forward and comfort me. She would understand that I’m not a stalker or a psycho. I’m a normal red-blooded American man who just happened to love two women – my wife and her.

It’s very difficult to love someone from afar though. The situation is decidedly one sided. Loving Charlize Theron is unlike any other relationship I’ve ever had. You usually know the person personally that you fall in love with and the remaining question is – does she love you back in return.

Yes, my heart had been broken several times before I got married but the relationship was always with someone I knew. Charlize Theron has never met me and probably has never heard of me. I seriously doubt that she reads the Island Reporter-Islander but I’d certainly be impressed if it turns out she does.

My sense is that Charlize is a warm, caring person and doesn’t want to be the cause of another broken heart. I truly believe that if she knew how much I love her she would come forward and invite me to dinner. Once we meet in person I will sweep her off her feet. She’ll never know what hit her.

I’m fully prepared for the occasion. I’ve practiced my part in the conversation she and I would have many times. I can’t do too much fawning and worshiping. She gets this all the time. I would need to be somewhat nonchalant, as though meeting her in person is just another typical day in the park for me.

On the other hand, I can’t be so nonchalant that she doesn’t sense I have deep feelings about her during our initial meeting. My goal would be to encourage her to continue seeing me because she simply couldn’t ignore my love for her.

I thought of sending her flowers, but I don’t have her address. Or calling her cell phone but I’m sure that her communications devices are well guarded. Or tweeting her but I’m sure that she’s got technology people working for her who scrutinize every message very carefully. If I were to tweet her a message of my love and devotion the FBI would probably turn up at my front door.

It’s very difficult being in love with someone who doesn’t even know who you are. I would very much like to accompany her to a movie screening or an Academy Awards celebration. So, if there’s anyone out there who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows Charlize, please, please – tell her about me.