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Shell Shocked: Putin tells all

By Staff | Dec 10, 2019

Art Stevens

The studio was so still that you could hear heart palpitations bounce off the wall. The talk show host still couldn’t quite believe that the guest he had coveted having on his show for years was actually sitting there in the guest chair.

The guest had his usual facial smirk working in full gear and looked around the room with a mixture of condescendence and cockiness. He was used to running the show and planned to do so again during his exclusive interview.

Host: It is a pleasure to have you on our show today, President Putin. We’re so pleased that you decided to be here in person and fly all the way to our studio in beautiful downtown Fort Myers, Florida. We are hopeful that your comments today will lift the veil of tension that seems to hang over our two countries.

Putin: I am very happy to be here. I love Fort Myers. When I was a single man many years ago I used to be a short order cook in a Fort Myers diner. I can cook up a mean spaghetti Bolognese and my ham and cheese on whole wheat toast was the talk of the town. I learned so much about America from my early days here.

Host: We had no idea that you ever lived in our country earlier in your life, President Putin, let alone in Fort Myers. How did you get into our country given the decades long tension between Russia and the U.S.?

Putin: I was a stowaway on a shrimp boat. Before the boat docked I jumped off and swam to Ellis Island. I joined a group of Russian circus performers and pretended I was deaf and dumb, a talent I have to this day.

Host: Mr. President, why don’t we get right to it. You have been accused of tampering with American voting. Is there any truth to this?

Putin: Absolutely not. Just because Donald Trump is a naturalized Russian citizen is not a factor at all. We stay away from American politics and elections – except for just one election.

Host: So, you admit tampering in U.S. elections?

Putin: Not so fast, smarty pants. You can’t bully Putin. Others have tried and see what it got them. We only meddled in one dog catcher election in Lee County, Florida. And that’s because we didn’t like one of the candidates running. He ran on an anti-Russia ticket and said that Russia hates dogs. This is not true. We train our dogs to snoop into people’s lives and ferret out useful information. So, we had this candidate neutered and sent to live among our huskies in Siberia. The other candidate won, and we no longer engage in such shenanigans. However, did you notice anything strange about the New England Patriots victory last week?

Host: Mr. President, what is your actual view of the U.S.? Do you consider our country to be a friend or an enemy?

Putin: We in Russia have very warm feelings towards the U.S. We regard it as our little nephew. You are a young country and have lots to learn about life on earth. And what better earth father is there than Putin? Putin can teach you how to conquer your fears as well as conquer nearby countries. Russia wants to be your friend, but on our terms. Our terms are the only terms.

Host: Mr. President, if you had but one wish about Russia’s relations with the U.S., what would it be?

Putin: That you stop portraying Russian characters in your movies as evil, dumb and brutal. We are a peace-loving country that wishes no one any harm – except for those we don’t like, and they add up to millions. We also wish that your country would choose better friends. NATO is made up of fourth world countries such as France, the U.K., Spain and Italy. I’ll take Russian borscht over Italian pasta any day. And what is more beautiful than a summer day in the Kremlin? Why don’t you make more movies about beautiful Russian life and fewer about the Mafia?

Host: We thank you for your time, Mr. President. This has been an exclusive interview with Vladimir Putin. Mr. Putin, we’re now off the air. Can you remove my handcuffs, please?