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Shell Shocked: El Chapo Escape Services

By Staff | Mar 5, 2019

Art Stevens

The recent trial in New York of El Chapo, the notorious Mexican drug lord, was lurid, sensational and revealing. The trial revealed the operations of typical drug cartels and the ruthlessness of its leaders. El Chapo himself was shown to be a drug monarch who resorted to extreme violence to put a stranglehold on his competitors.

But one bit of news came out of the trial – the degree to which El Chapo arranged escapes from maximum security prisons in Mexico. Of course, he had the funds to do whatever he wanted. And one thing he wanted was to get out of jail free. He was the guru of prison escapes. The tunnels built right under the noses of prison officials is the stuff legends are made of. His tunnels were miles long and caught all of Mexico with egg on its face.

I think El Chapo should be remembered more for his escapes than for his crimes. And I also think that a new business idea should come out of his many endeavors – El Chapo Escape Services, Inc.

We all need to escape from something – prisons, looney bins, bad marriages, you name it. The El Chapo Escape Services Company could provide a vital public service through its menu of the best escape options for untenable circumstances.

An initial phone conversation with this new business service might provide you with the information you’re seeking:

El Chapo Escape Services: Good afternoon. El Chapo Escape Services. We’re the premier firm that allows you to escape from any confines. We build tunnels, annul marriages, custom tailor laundry bins, create chaos, and defy gravity. You name your escape needs and we solve them. How can I help you?

Caller: I’ve been buried alive by mistake. Or maybe it wasn’t a mistake. Anyhow, I’m having trouble breathing and need to find a way out of this coffin.

El Chap: Not a problem, sir. We come across this situation quite often. It’s a good thing your cell phone is still working six feet under. Just keep it going and our representative will be there shortly with an electrified magnet to raise the coffin immediately. Oh, another call coming in. Good afternoon El Chapo Escape services.

Caller: Oh, thank God I was able to reach you. I just sky dived out of a plane and got caught on top of a cell phone tower. My parachute is in the process of giving way and I need to escape quickly.

El Chap: Do not be alarmed. Our Roto Rooter team is nearby and will uproot the tower and place it in the bay. You will then be rescued at sea by a tugboat that will allow you to jet ski all the way back to dry land.

Good afternoon, El Chapo Escape Services.

Caller: I’m in a maximum-security prison in upstate Indiana and want to get the hell out of here. Can you build a tunnel for me?

El Chap: Sir, I regret to inform you that our tunnel building unit has been shut down because of the bad publicity generated by the El Chapo trial. However, the good news is that there is a twenty-foot wall surrounding your prison and we have perfected the technique of wall climbing. You will be climbing that wall in no time flat.

Caller: Hello. I’m in a bad marriage and I need to escape. Can you help me?

El Chap: Of course. This situation falls into our matrimonial division and we have all sorts of escape programs. I recommend the misery removal program for you. It consists of plastic surgery, a witness protection program, a new identity and a new job. You’ll never have to see your present wife again. And, oh. This program also comes with a bonus arrangement. You will also be provided with a sex change operation.

Caller: I’m ready for my next escape.

El Chap: Good afternoon, El Chapo. I’ve been waiting for your call. Let’s go over the lay out of your new prison again. I believe we have all the tools we need.