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Shell Shocked: Sanibel restaurant reviews

By Staff | Feb 13, 2019

Art Stevens

I’ve been asked by this newspaper to review all the new restaurants in Sanibel. Here are my reviews:

– Good.

– Fair.

– Excellent.

– Amateurish.

– Stick to home cooking.

– Not worth the frying pan the food is cooked on.

– Exuberant.

– Tastes like all the food was cooked in cod liver oil.

– Tastes like all the food was cooked in vintage wine.

– Ice cream on the half shell is not a good idea.

– Nova Scotia salmon in yogurt is not a good idea.

– The Caesar’s salad tasted more like a Brutus swamp.

– The grouper should have been tossed back.

– Lobster tail? It was more like buttered asparagus.

– Veal piccata? It was more like elephant hide.

– The stains on the linen matched perfectly.

– I don’t think a pinch of wine is worth fifteen bucks.

– It’s got its act together which places it in the mediocre category.

– Does this restaurant know the definition of spices?

– What does the waiter do with his time in between visiting our table once every twenty minutes?

– Can you turn off the Lawrence Welk music?

– If your menu type is that small how about having reading glasses readily available?

– Yes, I asked for fresh fish, but not one that’s still swimming across the table.

– Yes, you’ve made the decor very nautical, but do you need to have someone hanging from the mast?

– I appreciate that your key lime pie is very fresh but why do I need to peel a whole lime?

– The specials sound great. Now tell me about the unspecials.

– Fried rhinoceros? You’ve got to be kidding.

– The French fries are soggy. They taste like sauted newspaper pages.

– The New England clam chowder tastes like the remnants of the Boston Tea Party.

– The eggs Benedict look like ping pong balls adorned with spiced mulch.

I reviewed these restaurants without revealing my identity. As far as the restaurant staffs were concerned, I was just a silly gigolo wearing a smoking jacket. Therefore, the restaurant names are also anonymous to protect me from being sauted alive and placed in a pizza oven. Sorry, but you’ll have to guess which restaurants the reviews above are for. My next assignment from this newspaper is to review condo swimming pools.