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Shell Shocked: The perfect excuse

By Staff | Jan 23, 2019

Art Stevens

Suppose you get invited to an event you have no desire to attend. But you want to maintain a good relationship with the person doing the inviting. The event requires traveling and you just don’t feel up to being away a few days.

So, you’ll need to come up with a plausible and perfectly logical excuse that will get you out of this dilemma as well as keep your friendship alive with the individual who sent you the invitation.

I’ve personally declined a number of invitations to events I didn’t want to attend. They include weddings, baptisms, fire eating contests, Bar Mitzvahs, birthday parties, prison reunions, and anniversaries. I’ve been forced to come up with innovative but compelling excuses. I am happy to share some of these tried and true excuses with you.

– I’m having my spleen removed that day.

– That’s the very day the world will end.

– My parole officer is scheduled to visit my house to make sure I’m sound of mind and not inclined to steal any more money from my church.

– I’m committed to a Sanibel shell collecting contest. I presently hold the Sanibel record for collecting 748 shells in one hour.

– Your event happens to take place the day of the month when I will be catching a cold and I sure don’t want to contaminate anyone.

– I’m scheduled to take my bicycle in to adjust the tire pressure.

– I’m hosting a garden party for my gecko friends but hope that those nasty egrets stay away.

– That was the day I had committed to counting my money.

– I had put aside that day to watch nine years’ worth of “The Sopranos” episodes.

– All my clothes will be at the dry cleaners that day and I will have nothing to wear.

– I read that there will be a solar eclipse that day and it will be too dark to travel.

– My alarm clock broke and I won’t be able to get a new one in time to wake up on time to catch a plane.

– You and I never liked each other so why bother inviting me? No, skip this one. It defeats the purpose.

– I have a gut feeling that my house will be burglarized that day and I need to be home to guide the burglars on what should be stolen.

– The exterminator is coming that day to rid my house of the frog colony that has taken up residence in my guest bedroom.

– I had already made plans to travel to the United States-Mexican border to help build a wall made from phlegm.

– I’ll be testifying at a Congressional committee hearing to discuss colluding with the New York Yankees.

– I have perishable food in the refrigerator which requires moment-to-moment monitoring.

– My dog will die if I’m away even for a day.

– I’m concerned about the safety of my neighbors who depend on me for homeland security.

If one of these excuses doesn’t get you out of this event, then your host has no empathy whatsoever. And if so, who would want to remain on good terms with such a nasty person?

If the inviter still puts pressure on you to attend the event despite your having sent your regrets, you can always dust off the mother of all RSVP regrets – that you are scheduled to have a frontal lobotomy the same day as the event.

This will leave you with the option of claiming afterward that the frontal lobotomy was a complete success, but you no longer have any memory of the event you were invited to.