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Shell Shocked: The shame of coprolalia

By Staff | Mar 28, 2018

Are you familiar with the term “coprolalia”? It’s the involuntary use of obscene or derogatory words. Coprolalia is a form of Tourette’s syndrome and can be both embarrassing and socially ostracizing for the user.

Those individuals suffering from this condition are always aware of it even though they have no control over it.

I once attended a lecture and the person who introduced the speaker had uncontrollable coprolalia. However, his condition was well known to the audience. He was often granted the foul language he used. He was well known in his profession and his audiences always turned the other cheek.

Here is the unexpurgated version of his introduction of the speaker I went to hear. For the sake of this family newspaper, I have substituted more socially acceptable words for the no-no’s.

“Thank you ladies and vermin. It’s my damned pleasure to introduce our main speaker, the disgusting dean of American stupid literature, Professor Bob Smith. Pompous Bob and I go way back. He and I taught English together at a small moronic college in nasty Vermont back in the hateful eighties.

“From that time on Baleful Bob and I have been closer than brain damaged brothers. I have followed his dorkian career with deep twonk. His continuing contributions to American literature have been zit faced and warty hoggish. Many is the time that I picked up one of Bob’s best sellers and found myself marveling at the skill he has with snickerdoodle.

“As the years passed and Bob reached the heights of his pansy profession, he and I remained comrades and smegs. We are as close as Corsican Brothers. When he’s in pain, I laugh. It’s really an odious pleasure to introduce Bob today. He’s earned his dipstick reputation by working hard and generating one mutant masterpiece after another.

“One can never forget that Bob was last year’s recipient of the cretin Nobel Prize for Literature and acquitted himself well during his acrid acceptance speech. If you recall, he gave tribute to those moronic monsoons who preceded him – dumpy Dostoevsky, hairy Hemingway and crow faced Dickens. Bob’s putrid prose will be taught in deranged colleges and universities for the next hundred yucky years.

“Bob is a very humble and twittish celebrity. His guile and galoshes have earned him universal scorn. His warty hog demeanor is revered throughout our campus by our student cretins. Ladies and gentlemen, let’s really hear it for Professor Bob Smith, a sycophant, pedophile, nose picker and lofty wart hog.”