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Shell Shocked: New Year’s resolutions that are easy to keep

By Staff | Jan 17, 2018

Now that we’re into 2018, isn’t it time you reviewed all the New Year’s resolutions you made during your inebriated state on New Year’s Eve? Weren’t some of them a bit too ambitious and truly out of reach?

What’s the point of making New Year’s resolutions that you know you’ll never keep? Isn’t it frustrating to constantly make the same goodie-goodie resolutions over and over, like this year you won’t eat desserts or insult your mother-in-law?

Well, this column’s for you, my friend. Here’s a list of New Year’s resolutions you can plan for 2018 which you can keep:

– I’m going to start smoking this year.

– I’m going to gain 20 pounds.

– This is the year that I’m finally going to embezzle funds from my boss’ business.

– I’m going to get rip-roaring drunk and fail a sobriety test.

– I promise to be nasty to my kid brother.

– I resolve to throw board erasers at the French teacher.

– I’ve put off splashing graffiti on my neighbor’s house much too long and I plan to do it this year.

– I promise to raise my cholesterol count to titillating levels.

– I plan to escort an old lady across the street and leave her in the middle.

– I plan to sit in the front row of a tennis match in 2018 and play the tuba each time a player prepares to serve.

– I plan to get demoted at the office.

– I resolve to become more sedentary until my waist increases by 6 inches.

– I plan to practice aerobics by holding my breath.

– I plan to take up pickpocketing as a hobby.

– I plan to practice transcendental meditation on the Sanibel Causeway.

– I plan to eat ice cream 10 times a day.

– I plan to increase my television viewing to 13 hours a day.

– I plan to limit my sleep to two hours a night.

– I resolve to consume 2 pounds of butter a day.

– I plan to drop out of college.

– I resolve to leave crumbs on the table.

– I plan to snub my niece on her sweet 16 celebration as a stepping stone to a clean break with my entire family.

– I plan to root for the British on the Fourth of July.

– I plan to fail my stress test.

– I promise to raise my blood pressure.

– I promise to ruin my garden.

– I promise to include 10 “have a nice days” during a three-minute conversation with my boss.

– I promise to root against the home team.

– I promise I won’t save any money.

– I promise to give up my volunteer work at the pizza rehab facility.

– I promise to litter the streets.

– I promise to honk my horn in front of the Sanibel Public Library.

– I resolve to run for mayor of Sanibel.

– I promise to send Christmas cards to the first 16 U.S. presidents.

– I promise to make 35 new New Year’s resolutions for 2019 that I can also keep.

-Art Stevens is a long-time columnist for The Islander. His tongue-in-cheek humor is always offered with a smile.