Shell Shocked: Nine ways to celebrate your divorce
Like it or not, divorce is a fact of life. Not enough married couples go the distance. One out of every three U.S. marriages ends in divorce.
For some, divorce is a moment of great sorrow and sadness. For others, it’s a moment of exhilaration and freedom. Take your pick. Today we explore how recently divorced men can enjoy their freedom. Here are nine things to do in your new bachelorhood.
1. Take to the couch without anyone grimacing at you or calling you a lazy slob. Spend an entire day watching every NFL game available. Munch on potato chips, pretzels, guacamole and hot dogs. Wash them down with a gallon of beer. Belch and burp in total freedom. Let out a few screams periodically to demonstrate your total lack of restraint and criticism.
2. Never again attend Beethoven concerts, ballet performances and antique shows because your ex-wife felt they were important factors in your cultural development. Start spending one night at each of the following: the race track, the bowling alley, the poker game, the porno flick, the college football game and the Shriners convention.
3. Start learning how to pick up women in public places. Walk your dog and let Fido become friendly with another dog being walked by a lady who looks a lot like Julia Roberts. But don’t use old pick up lines like “what a small world this is both of us walking our dogs at the same time.” Or “I don’t know which is more beautiful your dog or you.”
4. Try going on an online dating service. It’s possible you can find the lady of your dreams there if you can remember exactly what you dreamt about during the past six months. Observe several on-line dating services rules of thumb. One is that you need to lie about your age. And two, don’t claim you’re a former NBA point guard. This last lie could only pair you with a real NBA point guard.
5. Start gaining weight. Most modern women love men with huge pot bellies. A wide middle suggests success, high self-esteem and an attraction to the unusual. Remember “unusual” doesn’t mean women who insist on smoking cigars in public.
6. Remind your married friends that you’re still alive and available for dinner parties. If you hear about one taking place for your married couple friends only, don’t hesitate to barge in with a young lady you recently met at the Goodwill store. Her directness and morbid sense of humor will endear her and you to your old friends.
7. Go to the super market and stock up your shopping cart with items you were never permitted to bring home. Buy Twinkies, Mallomars, Smucker’s Cherry Preserves, sauerkraut, Vita herring and anchovies. Better yet, make a meal out of all of them. Bet you could never get away with doing that before the divorce.
8. And, finally, use the bathroom for as long as you want. There won’t be any more knocking on the door and someone telling you that your time is up. Take an hour to shower, an hour to shave and another hour to get your hair just right.
9. Remember, no moping around the house. You’re now a free man. This is what you wanted, right?
-Art Stevens is a long-time columnist for The Islander. His tongue-in-cheek humor is always offered with a smile.