homepage logo

Shell Shocked: A medical dilemma

By Staff | Aug 17, 2017

I went to the doctor the other day complaining of mitrodemitrotical symbiosis. The doctor had to look it up in the med book because even he didn’t know what it was.

“Wait, I’m getting there. What are your symptoms?” he asked as he thumbed through the book. His forefinger was arthritic and he was only up to the letter “b.”

I said: “My symptoms are as follows. I get scaliotic reposts while I sleep and in the morning the febrile cast nets are so painful that my hallucinations take me to new places.”

The doc was now up to the letter “g”. “I went to medical school for ten years, studied all facets of internal medicine and have never heard of the sickness and symptoms you’re describing. Are you sure they don’t apply to another planet?”

“No, doc, these symptoms are real. And they’re affecting all of my normal activities, including the rotation of my deterior fiscade. It’s very painful when I try to attach motives to my physical activities. I need to take an Aleve, which as you know acts twice as fast as Tylenol.”

The doc was up to the letter “I” and was still painfully thumbing and forefingering his way to the letter “m.” He practically jumped up. “Aleve, Tylenol. Well at least these are two medical terms I’m familiar with. You don’t by chance have a common cold?”

I said “Doc, I wish I did. But it’s as I say. I have a bout of mitrodemitrotical symbiosis and I’m feeling poorly. Please help me. I’m supposed to do some lumberjacking today but I won’t be able to if these symptoms persist. I’ll be disappointing my lumberjack mates if I don’t show up.”

The doctor finally made his way to the med book section on mitrodemitrotical symbiosis and studied the section intently. “Hmm,” he said. “I now see why you’re in such agony. The hemoglobin in your blood is counteracting with your medial cartax inducing a massive contra-indication of bipartisan collusion. Now that we have a logical diagnosis let’s see what the treatment and prognosis are.

“The treatment consists of heavy doses of bifurcally treated magnates every two hours coupled with a couple of couplets of couples of Diet Coke injections. Plus rapid fire blood transfusions done in the rear of a Chevy Impala.

“And if none of that works take two aspirins, one shot of cold vodka, a salami sandwich and a bicarbonate of carbonatebi.”

Several hours later I was feeling more like myself which was miserable, unhappy, sickly and despondent. But I was able to join my lumberjack mates for another go at the big tree.

-Art Stevens is a long-time columnist for The Islander. His tongue-in-cheek humor is always offered with a smile.