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Shell Shocked: Never quit, never give up

By Staff | Sep 2, 2015

When is it time to quit? Today’s lesson in living has to do with knowing just when to quit and when not to give up.

This guy goes into a bar holding a live head under his arms. He walks up to the counter and the bartender looks at the head in sympathy. The guy puts the head on the counter and says, “My friend here was born with just a head. He can talk, eat, drink, cry and speak. He just needs to be carried everywhere. We’ve tried everything to get him a body, arms and legs, but nothing seems to work. We just carry him around everywhere under our arm.”

The bartender studies the situation and says “I may have something that could help. I’ve got an elixir under the counter that seems to have extraordinary ingredients in it. Let me pour some into a drink for your friend.”

And so the bartender reaches under the counter and pulls up a green bottle. He opens it and some fog emerges and escapes from the bottle. He pours some of the contents into a shot glass, pours that into a tumbler, mixes it with scotch, shakes it all up and lets the solution empty into a cocktail glass.

“Here, drink this,” he says to the head. The head’s friend gently lifts the glass to the head’s lips and the head takes in a small amount. Within a minute the bottom of the head’s head begins to shake and out pops a chest.

Everyone is amazed. The bartender says, “Oh, my God, it really works. Here, let’s have him drink some more and see what happens.” The head takes a few more swallows and suddenly legs emerge from the chest. And a few sips later arms spring out from the side of the chest. The head’s friend places him on the floor and the head is now a fully formed body.

“Miraculous,” says the head’s friend. “We’ve tried for years to find a way for my friend to grow a full body, but your special potion seems to have done the trick.”

The head is screaming with delight. He tests his new arms and legs. He walks back and forth in the bar and tells the bartender that he wants to celebrate his new found body. The bartender pours the head another shot of scotch and the head begins to dance around the room. He’s so happy that he leaves the bar to finally be able to navigate through the streets on his own. He begins to cross the street and never saw the truck. The truck slams into him and he is killed instantly.

The bartender shakes his head back and forth and says, “poor guy. He should have quit while he was a head.”

The moral of today’s lesson in living is stay out of that particular bar unless you want to leave as an octopus.

-Art Stevens is a long-time columnist for The Islander. His tongue-in-cheek humor is always offered with a smile.