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Shell Shocked: The presidential candidate’s first press conference

By Staff | Jun 17, 2015

I have decided to throw my hat into the ring and run for president of the United States. My first press conference as a candidate took place in Sanibel a few days ago at the swamps in “Ding” Darling, which I designated as the symbol for my campaign. The “Ding” Darling swamps will serve as a beacon during my candidacy.

Reporters from all the major media flocked to Sanibel to assess my candidacy. The theme of my press conference was that my personal life is an open book and that the public has a right to know about all the skeletons in my closet.

Question: Do you have any skeletons in your closet?

Answer: Yes. My great grandfather had a seizure in the closet while bending over for a pair of shoes. His family was very poor at the time and had no funds for a decent burial. They decided to leave him in the closet and from that day on we’ve had a skeleton in our closet.

Q: Are there any personal matters you’d like to share with the press?

A: Yes. These things may as well come out now before you read about them in the National Enquirer. My wife and I have had a strained relationship the past few years because I don’t put the cap back on the tube of toothpaste. We went to a marriage counselor, and he solved our problem by suggesting I use soap to brush my teeth. Things got better as a result until I got into the habit of trying to put the soap back into the paper wrapper every morning.

Another skeleton in my closet, aside from my great grandfather, is the matter of my college degrees. You’ll note from my curricula vitae that I have an undergraduate degree from Sanibel University with a major in fish blackening and a Ph.D. from Disney World University in doublespeak.

What I neglected to tell the press earlier is that the diploma I received from Sanibel University was actually a menu from Timbers. And Donald Duck was my professor at Disney World. My degrees may not be from fully accredited universities, but those eminent institutions have fully prepared me for the arduous tasks ahead as president of the United States.

Q: To test your position as an open-book candidate, I’m going to ask you a truly personal question. Do you snore?

A: My, that is testing the open-book doctrine. But I am committed to total public scrutiny of every facet of my life. The answer to your question is that I never snore when I’m asleep, only when I’m awake.

Q: How often do you cut your nails?

A: I’d have to consult my diary.

Q: Do you now or did you ever have dandruff?

A: I’m afraid I’m going to have to take the Fifth Amendment on that one.

Q: Do you wear pajamas to bed?

A: I wear pajamas to the office and a business suit to bed.

Q: Mr. Stevens, which do you prefer, a bath or a shower? The voters have a right to know.

A: Good. Now we’re getting more and more personal. The fact is that as a conservationist and protector of our valuable natural resources, I prefer neither. Last question, please.

Q: What is the single most personal confession you can make as your presidential campaign gets off the ground?

A: That I’m not really Art Stevens, but an Art Stevens lookalike.

Art Stevens is a long-time columnist for The Islander. His tongue-in-cheek humor is always offered with a smile.