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Shell Shocked: Beware the brides of March

By Staff | Feb 25, 2015

March will be roaring in like a lion. And, hopefully, it will go out like a lamb, as it’s supposed to. It will be a very busy month. Among March’s offerings every year is “March Madness,” the men’s and women’s collegiate basketball tournaments. Who will win this year? An underdog? A heavy favorite? Wait and see.

There’s the famous Ides of March, a day we’ve been told for centuries to beware. Full throated actors with Shakespearean voices wearing Roman togas have cautioned us to “beware the Ides of March,” which takes place on March 15. It’s the day in 44 B.C. that Julius Caesar was assassinated because he ignored the famous warning. Julie, that’s what you get for trusting that sneak Brutus.

My wedding anniversary is on March 19. Could the offstage chorus really have been telling me “Beware the brides of March?” I ignored that warning and have been married to the same woman for many years. So far I’ve avoided Julius Caesar’s fate.

And what about the tides of March? We’re certainly having unseasonably cool weather which could affect tides everywhere. No more tsunamis, please. But there’s more to March madness than ides, brides and tides. March is also National Nutrition Month. It’s the one month of the year that we are urged to avoid mega doses of lard, French fried grasshoppers and chicken fat.

March also happens to be Sea Grass Awareness Month. Yes, there’s a month for everything, including sea-grass awareness. The object of this initiative is to keep our waterways clean so that sea grass has a chance to thrive properly. I’m personally passing around a petition to formalize “Apostrophe Appreciation” month starting next March.

March is also Women’s History Month. National Weights and Measures also weighs in with a one-week celebration. March 14 is Pi Day a celebration of the symbol for the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter which, as we all know, is 3.1415926535.

March is the month of Major League Baseball spring training. Both the Minnesota Twins and Boston Red Sox have been playing before sold-out stadiums. All the baseball teams are trying out their rookies and sizing up their veterans to determine if they have the talent to make a run at the playoffs. And college spring breaks are in full swing in March, as students from throughout the country strut their stuff on the beaches of Fort Myers Beach and elsewhere.

Try getting hold of your accountant in March. He is under the April 15 tax-filing gun and has no time to take your calls. Hopefully you’ve already sent him all your tax documents. If not, he may spare a half hour of his time for you on April 14.

March is one of seven months with 31 days. It is named after Martius (or Mars), the Greek god of war. March is also a noun meaning a procession of people walking together; and a verb to engage in the act of walking in sync as armies do.

March is also a music genre. March music, such as that composed by John Philip Sousa, is played to accompany marching groups. It’s a good thing he didn’t try composing waltzes to march by. March is also a surname. Among those who share that name are the late actor Fredric March and the hero in Saul Bellow’s novel “The Adventures of Augie March.”

And how can we ignore St. Patrick’s Day, which falls on March 17? The world turns shamrock green and the Irish pubs are filled to the rafters when the entire world turns Irish for that one day.

Is this everything you ever wanted to know about March? If you want to know more just click on Wikipedia. You can learn about other famous historic events that took place in March, aside from my wife’s birthday. Find out which ancient battles were won or lost on any given day in March.

I’m sure not going to do your work for you. I think I’ve already exhausted myself with March. Like March, I plan to end this column like a lamb.

And feel free to brush up on April. Aside from being a girl’s name, it also has a lot of other redeeming values.

Art Stevens is a long-time columnist for The Islander. His tongue-in-cheek humor is always offered with a smile.