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Shell Shocked: New Year’s resolutions that are easy to keep

By Staff | Dec 31, 2014

Now that we’re into 2015, isn’t it time you reviewed all the New Year’s resolutions you made during your inebriated state on New Year’s Eve? Weren’t some of them a bit too ambitious and truly out of reach?

What’s the point of making New Year’s resolutions that you know you’ll never keep? Isn’t it frustrating to constantly make the same goodie-goodie resolutions over and over, like this year you won’t eat desserts or insult your mother-in-law?

Well, this column’s for you, my friend. Here’s a list of New Year’s resolutions you can plan for 2015 which you absolutely will be able to keep.

1. Since red wine is considered by health experts as a means to a healthy heart, I resolve to consume ten glasses a day until I’m in a healthy stupor.

2. I will ask every Minnesota Twin during their spring training in Lee County in March why they can’t beat the New York Yankees when it counts.

3. I resolve to eat blackened pizza.

4. I will join the Polar Bear Club this year in its annual ritual of manhood and prepare by removing ice cubes from my martini and strategically placing them on various parts of my body.

5. I’m going to start smoking this year.

6. I’m going to gain fifty pounds.

7. This is the year that I’m finally going to embezzle funds from my boss’s business.

8. I’ve put off splashing graffiti on my neighbor’s house much too long and I plan to do it this year.

9. I promise to raise my cholesterol count to titillating levels.

10. I resolve to become more sedentary until my waist line increases by six inches.

11. I plan to practice aerobics by holding my breath.

12. I plan to snub my niece on her sweet sixteen celebration as a stepping stone to a clean break with my entire family.

13. I plan to root for the British on July fourth.

14. I plan to fail my stress test.

15. I promise to raise my blood pressure this year.

16. I promise to include ten “have a nice days” during a three-minute conversation with the next person I meet.

17. I promise to give up my volunteer work at the pizza rehab facility.

18. I promise to litter the streets.

19. I promise to honk my horn in front of the Sanibel Library.

20. I promise to send Christmas cards to the first sixteen U.S. presidents.

If you can keep even half of these New Year’s resolutions, then I will happily turn the deed of the Brooklyn Bridge over to you.

Happy New Year, everyone.

Art Stevens is a long-time columnist for The Islander. His tongue-in-cheek humor is always offered with a smile.