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Shell Shocked: Performing enhancing drugs are geting more inventive

By Staff | Feb 8, 2013

The sports world continues to grapple with performance enhancing drugs that can go undetected. Past abuses by athletes doping, testosterone and steroids — are now fully detectable. Even Lance Armstrong would agree.

The sports world governing bodies have become very sophisticated in being able to trace these drugs in athletes’ bodies through newer and more sophisticated testing. Many well-known athletes have been caught through these newer tests and are paying the price. But some athletes have begun to turn to very obscure substances to enhance their performances while trying to evade detection.

A recent substance we’ve all been hearing about is called deer antler spray which is actually rubbed off deer antlers and sprayed directly into the mouths of athletes. Several prominent athletes have denied using this substance claiming they were actually spraying their mouths with Listerine Mint.

But Slippery Einstein, a former junkie and now president of the highly respected Dopers Anonymous agreed to talk to the Islander about new performance enhancing substances being developed that can’t be detected.

Islander: Thanks for talking to us, Slippery. But what’s the benefit to athletes of deer antler spray? And what are the side effects?

Slippery: The benefits are most pronounced for football players. They become just like deer with antlers. One spray enables a football linebacker to ram his opponent 10 feet in the air. The downside is that like a deer caught in headlights, a football player using this spray freezes when an opponent charges at him with a miner’s lamp attached to his face mask. And in ten years the athlete will grow horns that will prove to be very unsightly.

I: Yes, that could be a tough side effect. What else are athletes trying so as not to get caught?

S: Rhinoceros tears are being tested by boxers in Europe. These tears have been known to toughen the skin on humans so much so that it’s like wearing a suit of armor. The boxer is prepared to justify this massive physical change by claiming he has a sudden onset of psoriasis. If an opponent lands a punch he immediately breaks his hand. They think the benefits of rhinoceros tears can also be used in other sports like lacrosse, crickets, wrestling and tiddledywinks. Rhinoceros tears are as yet undetectable.

I: Who would have guessed that a rhinoceros could cry? I’ve heard of crocodile tears but not rhinoceros. What else is out there?

S: Giraffe sweat is hot. You put some in a glass of water and it simply can’t be detected. But the benefits to athletes are enormous. Human arms grow about a foot longer. This means that a basketball player can dunk a basketball without his feet ever leaving the ground. And a baseball pitcher can almost reach home plate with his elongated arms and blow hitters away.

I: These sound like very bizarre performance enhancing drugs. Whatever happened to the good old days of testosterone, steroids and doping?

S: If you think these are bizarre wait until that lab in Costa Rica perfects the “superman cocktail.”

I: Superman cocktail? What in the world is that?

S: It’s being perfected by a group of professional dopers. It’s reputed to be the end all of performance enhancing drugs. From what I hear it’s a mixture of monkey gland, penguin mucous, pigeon saliva and cracked turtle shell. It’s taken through the ear and flows directly into the brain.

I: My God, that is really extreme. What does this cocktail do?

S: It gives an athlete super human powers. You’ll be able to hit a golf ball a thousand yards, a baseball 700 feet and a tennis serve 200 miles an hour.

I: But wouldn’t these super human efforts raise red flags among sports governing bodies?

S: They sure would. That’s why the scientists are experimenting with lower doses. But they haven’t been able to solve the one major side effect.

I: I’m all ears.

S: All the athletes who have agreed to be guinea pigs for this new cocktail have lost the power of speech, swing from trees and only eat bananas.

I: So there you have it, sports fans–designer drugs for future sports cheats.