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Shell Shocked: Unlocking the Higgs Bosun Phenomenon

By Staff | Jul 13, 2012

A major breakthrough has taken place in quantum physics. Physicists have said that they discovered a new subatomic particle that looks for all the world like the Higgs bosun, a potential key to an understanding of why elementary particles have mass and indeed to the existence of diversity and life in the universe.


Oh, to be a physicist. Only a physicist can utter such language and have the rest of us wondering what he’s high on. Yogi Berra talks like this but his subject is mostly about baseball. Who else but a physicist would feel right at home talking about new discoveries in particles, neutrons, subatoms and cheese blintzes?

I thought I once spotted a Higgs Bosun here in Sanibel but it turned out to be an impostor. It may have posed as a subatomic particle but in reality was a blackhead on a child’s forehead.

This demonstrates just how elusive the Higgs Bosun is. One day it can be spotted at the bar at Jacaranda only to vanish into thin air the next day. Poof.

But if there’s anything we do know about the Higgs Bosun it’s that it should be the subject of the next Batman or Spiderman movie. Any villain holding the key to the Higgs Bosun is automatically assured of winning the next World Series.

What we do know about the Higgs Bosun is that it weighs in at 125 billion electron volts, which makes it one of the heaviest subatomic particles yet. Physicists concur that it is not a candidate for Weight Watchers until it nears 150 billion electron volts.

I suppose you’re wondering why the Higgs Bosun is of such interest to physicists. Or maybe you were contemplating your navel instead. But you need to know that if scientists are lucky the discovery of the Higgs Bosun could lead to a new understanding of how the universe began.

The universe did not begin with in vitro fertilization as some might have suspected. It began as a speck of dandruff floating away from Mars. That speck of dandruff manifested itself into the planet earth. Or at least that’s what the makers of Head and Shoulders Shampoo would have you think.

Most scientists have discarded this theory and are hoping that Higgs Bosun will take them in a more advanced direction. Said one physicist working out of an auto repair shop in Fort Myers “It’s a triumphant day for fundamental physics. Now the fun begins.”

What he meant was that he planned to attend a physicist barbecue the next day to search for undiscovered morons among the charcoal ashes.

The Higgs bosun is named after Peter Higgs, a University of Edinburgh theorist. Apparently he has worked on identifying this bosun at the exclusion of his day job, which was as a chimney sweep.

He has theorized that mankind is close to confirming that the boson named after him is the only visible and particular manifestation of an invisible force field, a cosmic molasses that permeates space and imbues elementary particles that would otherwise be massless with mass. Just imagine your chimney sweep uttering these sentences. He might have you searching for a Biggs bosun in your chimney.

Nonetheless, particles wading through that force field would gain heft. I know a woman who gained considerable heft once not with a Higgs bosun but with ribeye steaks and stuffed baked potatoes. But her heft didn’t affect the universe the way the Higgs bosun does.

I urge you all to continue to monitor Higgs bosun because whoever holds the key to it also holds the key to the dentist’s office on Periwinkle.