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Shell Shocked: Mitt and Newt Duke it Out

By Staff | Feb 9, 2012

Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich have yet another debate scheduled in the near future. It will be their six thousandth debate within the past two months. There’s very little each doesn’t know about the other. But not to be outdone, their respective investigative teams uncovered yet more dirt on each other.

A preview of the next debate makes it clear that the sparks and ill will continue to fly. Once again the accusations and character assassination will continue unabated. It will be more brutal than the previous six thousand debates. Here’s a preview:

Romney: I have here in my hand a photocopy of your third grade report card. You received poor marks for “getting along with others” and a notation that your “penmanship needs improvement.” How can you expect anyone to vote for you with this kind of black mark in your background?

Gingrich: I have it on good faith that the lemonade stand you started in the sixth grade went bankrupt leaving all your investors in ruins who, as it turned out, were your trusting classmates in your sixth grade class. Each investor lost a full week’s allowance which in those days was five cents. To compound your lack of business ethics, I’m told that you didn’t use real lemons in the lemonade but substituted Sprite instead. No wonder you became a trillionaire. If this is how you do business how can you be trusted to create trade agreements with such countries as Trinidad and Monaco?

R: Oh, yeah?

G: Oh, yeah.

The two candidates approached each other and began to squirt ink at each other until the moderator came between them and urged them to return to their places behind their podiums. Catching their breaths the candidates continued.

G: You once got out of a taxi cab in New York and asked the driver to change a one thousand dollar bill. The driver was only able to give you change for twenty dollars but not for one thousand dollars. You shrugged your shoulders and started to walk away without paying. The driver reached out to a nearby police officer and you were hauled off to a police station. You borrowed ten dollars from the police officer to pay the taxi fare but gave the driver a tip of only ten cents. He complained to the Taxi Bureau and you were subpoenaed to testify in municipal court. The documents reflect that you spoke harshly of the taxi driver, the entire New York City judicial system and the New York Yankees in your remarks to the court.

R: There you go again distorting the truth to disparage me and my campaign. It so happens that the taxi driver and I reached an agreement out of court which you purposely didn’t convey to tonight’s debate audience. I added another five cents to the tip and the court released me from any further exposure in this matter.

G: Well to me this episode proves that you can’t balance a budget let alone make the major decisions that a president has to.

R: I believe the voters can see through your subterfuge. I notice you haven’t mentioned the episode in which you burned six hamburgers on the barbecue because you were watching “Wheel of Fortune” and took your eye off the grill. If you can’t pay attention to a barbecue grill how can you be expected to pay attention to nuclear wars?

G: I don’t think you can equate burning hamburgers with nuclear wars. But the episode reported last year in the National Enquirer of your driving through downtown Akron, Ohio in a Lamborghini is a blatant example of middle class insensitivity. Indeed, you would continue such backroom deals as rewarding members of Congress with banana splits if it cast its votes your way. This is what I consider to be business as usual in Washington, D.C.

R: I am totally fiscally responsible. For the past year my family and I have used food stamps to get a sense of how the upper middle class lives. If this doesn’t demonstrate an understanding of the economy I don’t know what does.

G: Well, I live more frugally than you. And I’ve apologized for my past mistakes and will continue to apologize for them in the future as I make many more. But as governor of Massachusetts you took part in the Red Sox meltdown. How could you have allowed such a demise to take place under your watch?

R: You have your historical facts wrong. I was no longer governor when the Red Sox imploded. Had I been I can assure you that the Red Sox would have won the World Series. I saved the Olympics once and can use that experience to install ski slopes in the White House when I’m elected.

G: The only thing you would install in the White House is an ATM machine so that you can withdraw funds you will be getting from the dark chocolate lobbyists. Your ties to big business are very well known.

R: And your ties to Hollywood motorcycle gangs are also well documented. The president of the United States must be president of all the people. Your walk on the wild side will not instill confidence among voters. I can beat the man in office. You can’t.

G: Yes, I can.

R: No, you can’t.

G: Yes, I can.

R: No, you can’t, no, you can’t, no, you can’t.

Moderator: I’d like to thank the two candidates for their frank and unbiased assessments of their presidential aspirations. You’ve given the voters much to think about.

Unfortunately, the other two candidates were unable to be here this evening. They’re both in the men’s room throwing up.

Thank you and good night.