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Shell Shocked: Police Blotter

By Staff | May 26, 2011

The public outcry against rampant crime in Sanibel has been heard. The police are clamping down on marginal crimes to send a strong message to residents and visitors alike that there is a low tolerance level. Crime in any form is being addressed aggressively. The following arrests have been made in the past week alone:

John Figment of MyImagination, Iowa has been charged with operating a motor vehicle without a valid pair of socks.

Mimi Mommie of Fort Myers was charged with violating a city ordinance by failing to stir her coffee even though it had three lumps of sugar in it.

Hadfi Zimu of Mars was charged with operating a motor vehicle without a valid driver’s license. Driver’s licenses from Mars are not recognized in Sanibel.

Pitter Patter of Mushtown, Wis., was charged with disturbing the peace by sneezing outside of Bailey’s Store.

Jason Mason of Coexistence, Ala., was charged with possession of Hershey’s dark chocolate (less than twenty grams).

William Shakespeare of London, England was charged with public blasphemy when he uttered the Bailey name in vain.

Connie Wimp of Upper Udder, Maine was charged with equipment violation caused by a faulty spleen.

Benny Bango of Smolder Heights, Vt., was charged with violating a city ordinance that prohibits bad breath after leaving a Sanibel restaurant.

Larry Boilerplate of Win or Lose, Penn., was charged with exhibiting excessive happiness following a walk on the beach.

Lance Lipid of Wonderland, Fla., was charged with operating a vehicle while under the influence of his wife.

Kerry Kilometer of Bangladesh, Ohio was charged with uttering public analogies and homilies while demonstrating acute disappointment at not winning the state lottery.

Boris Fantastick of Fuggedaboutit, N.J., was charged with failure to signal a right turn while walking from his bedroom to his bathroom.

Brad Pitt of LaLa Land, Calif., was charged in absentia for failure to star in “Pirates of the Caribbean, Part Twelve”.

Francis Bailey of Sanibel, Florida was charged with insufficient celebration of his 90th birthday.

And, finally, Sir GaGa, the secret husband of Lady GaGa, the famous pop diva, has been charged with leaving the scene of a near accident when the golf club he was holding was almost dropped.

All of these charges will be presented before Sanibel’s notorious “hanging’s too good for them” judge Wyatt Burp.