I have thumbed through the pages of the Islander repeatedly in the quest for columns that could give me advice on everything from the heartbreak

of pizza pallor to how to overcome pepper tree phobias.

All I’ve been able to find are columns on how to stay healthy, how to

calibrate the fang power of indigenous snakes, how to put a worm on a fishing rod, and when to add eggs to an omelet.

There’s no “Dear Abby” or Dr. Ruth. There’s nothing that can inspire our readers to regain their mental health, ask the boss for a raise, teach our

kids proper sportsmanship or how much saliva is required to lick a postage stamp.

In the interests of broadening the reader base of this newspaper, Shell

Shocked will devote an occasional column to provide advice on problems you write in about. Your humble columnist is more than qualified to soothe your nerves and indulge your neuroses. I once helped an old lady cross the

street, went to a Rolling Stones concert and survived, and talked a dolphin out of applying for unemployment.

All you have to do to solve all your problems is to drop a line to Dr. Shell Shocked, care of this newspaper. May we have the first letter, please.

Dear Dr. Shocked,

I don’t know what to do. It’s all so beyond my grasp. All those problems and people and facts and figures. I just can’t remember it all. I sometimes wake up in the morning and wonder where I am. My memory is going and it’s getting to be embarrassing. What should I do?

Yours truly,

Barack Obama

Dear Mr. Obama,

Have heart. Don’t despair. When Sarah Palin begins her election campaign, she will bring you out of your reverie and rekindle your fire.

Here’s an exercise to prepare you for that moment. When you get up in the morning, take a good look at yourself in the mirror. After you’ve positively

identified yourself, repeat the following phrase over and over for the

foreseeable future — “I’m Barack Obama and I can now say positively that I am President of the United States.”

Dr. Shocked

Dear Dr. Shocked,

How can I convince the American people that I am a viable presidential candidate?

Sincerely,

Sarah Palin

Dear Candidate Palin,

By offering to be a contestant on “Jeopardy.” If you can answer Jeopardy’s geography questions, such as what country is Moscow in, then you will have demonstrated your grasp of foreign affairs.

Dr. Shocked

Dear Dr. Shocked,

I am thinking about finding another field in which to express my artistry, my masculinity and my rage. Do you have any suggestions?

Brutally yours,

Mike Tyson

Dear Brute Tyson,

We think you should seriously consider becoming an orchestra conductor. Holding a baton in front of a 50-piece orchestra will allow you to express yourself in a way that boxing gloves can’t. Specialize in Beethoven so that music lovers will put you in the same category as that long- suffering composer. If this doesn’t work then I would urge you to become a Fox News Network political commentator. Glenn Beck could use some competition.

Dr. Shocked

Dear Dr. Shocked,

Your advice column is a breath of fresh air especially when the wind isn’t blowing in from the sewerage treatment plant. My problem is this.

My boyfriend and I want to get married but our parents think we’re too immature. He is delusional and sees menace wherever he goes. I love him just the same because I weigh 350 pounds but, when he looks at me, he says I look like Paris Hilton.

I was arrested last week for shoplifting at the same time my boyfriend dangled from a 30-story building because he had just seen some UFOs and was spouting half truths for which he got half a jail sentence. My asthma attacks are more frequent and brother Billy doesn’t help it any when he kicks the dog whose bite is worse than his bark anyway.

What should I do?

Yours truly,

Disgruntled and Perplexed

Dear D & P,

I sympathize with you. You have very severe problems and challenges. The simple solution is for you to lose weight and your boyfriend to seek psychiatric help to get over his delusions. But I’m certain this advice has been given to you countless times so let’s use another approach. Keep doing what you’re doing and suck it up. See if you can gain fifty more pounds, put the dog in a kennel, and have your boy friend be abducted by aliens from another planet. And then sell me the movie rights to your life story.

Dr. Shocked