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Shell Shocked: Creating the biggest bull market ever

By Staff | Oct 14, 2010

The stock market crash of the past two years has sent shivers up the

spines of most Americans. A 7,500-point swing downward of the Dow Jones Averages has caused many Sanibel families to have nightmares and ponder their fate.

The Dow Jones’ nose dive was enough to cause James Bond to consume his

very dry martini straight from the bottle and neither shaken or stirred.

But if the Dow Jones average could drop 500 agonizing points on any

given day, it is also possible that it could go up 1,000 points in one day

as well.

It would take an extraordinary series of circumstances for that to

occur. But if everything were to go just right during one well-fated day,

the stock market could conceivably shatter all existing records once again.

This is what it would take for the stock market to go up 1,000 points

in one day:

• An Elvis Presley sighting turns out to be the real McCoy.

• Tea Party members drink real tea.

• Major league baseball relents and allows steroids back for the good of the game.

• Lady Gaga, Madonna, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears become nuns.

• The Sopranos come back for another season.

• The New York Yankees are investigated for anti-trust activities.

• Sarah Palin wins the jackpot on Jeopardy.

• 500,000 more Toyotas have to be recalled because sushi was found in their engines.

• Congress removes $10 billion from the national budget by not renewing the military’s dry cleaning contract.

• The moon comes over the mountain.

• Nancy Pelosi grows a beard.

• The only Afghan in the news is one that wins first prize at a dog show.

• Nicaragua becomes the site for the annual Carmen Miranda film festival.

• Barry Bonds gets his weight down to 170.

• Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez reconcile.

• Bernie Madoff returns all the money.

• Harrison Ford gives Indiana Jones one more try.

• The Sanibel Causeway toll is restored to three dollars.

• Donald Trump is elected president of the United States.

• The U.S. balance of trade deficit is turned around because there’s a run on the market overseas on new versions of Barbie Doll and Trivial Pursuit.

…When the fat lady sings.