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Once upon a time in ancient Sanibel

By Staff | Jun 21, 2010

Since all fairy tales start with “Once upon a time,” I’ll start this one with “Once upon a time” as well because I’m about to tell you a fairy tale.

And because all fairy tales start with a sleeping princess this one will too. Her name was Primpra and she was the daughter of King Krocknor who ruled over the kingdom of Lower Sanibel. Lower Sanibel was a small kingdom compared to the other great kingdoms of ancient times. It had a small army, a small government and the people themselves were very small.

King Krocknor came from a long line of kings. Lower Sanibel had been a monarchy for close to 10,000 years. Even though L.S. was a small kingdom it had great riches. The gods had favored this kingdom because of its natural resources. L.S. grew immense crops of salami and sold them to neighboring kingdoms.

These neighboring kingdoms were very jealous of L.S.’s vast salami wealth and began to plan an invasion of the little kingdom to take over its salami crops. While the kings of these nearby kingdoms were planning their invasion, L.S. calmly went about its business. The kingdom celebrated the birth of King Krocknor’s precious daughter Primpra, who had literally been born with a silver spoon in her mouth.

It took weeks for this silver spoon to be removed and it was touch and go as to whether or not the silver spoon would remain imbedded in her mouth. There was only one plastic surgeon in the kingdom and he had received his training in far off Johns Hopkins Primitive School for Silver Spoon Removal and was summoned to perform this delicate operation. The operation was successful and Primpra retained her natural beauty. But there was a complication. The anesthesia used during those days consisted of a cocktail of raw turtle shells and blackened sand pebbles.

Poor princess Primpra couldn’t awaken.

She lay in that state for years and, as the years passedm this sleeping princess became ever more beautiful. King Krocknor was beside himself with anguish and sadness. He had envisioned that his beautiful princess daughter would marry a handsome prince one day from the nearby kingdom of Upper Sanibel and that the handsome couple would one day preside over both kingdoms. The king’s dream was for both kingdoms to unite to become one Sanibel.

But he needed to find a way to awaken the princess. He tried every remedy known to man during those ancient days. He summoned the kingdom’s town criers who performed their repertoire of wake-up calls. He summoned a dragon that tried breathing fire into the sleeping princess’s face. He dangled the princess’s legs into boiling sauerkraut. Nothing worked. She remained fast asleep.

In the meantime, the mighty armies of the neighboring kingdoms of Upper and Lower Captiva had advanced to Lower Sanibel’s border and waited for orders to advance. Their mission was to capture Lower Sanibel, take over the salami crops and enslave the entire population.

It was then that the gods of Lower Sanibel intervened. The great god Baileysimply said that he couldn’t allow any column of this author to end unhappily. slander readers needed to be upbeat and not distraught.

Therefore, with his divine intervention, the following happened: a tiny gecko miraculously landed on the cheek of the sleeping princess. To catch its balance the gecko thrust out its darting tongue which caught the princess smack on her mouth where the silver spoon had been.

…Whereupon she awoke after her peaceful slumber of all those years. When she awoke the gecko fell off her face and ran away. No, it didn’t turn into a prince. That’s the subject of another story.

It just so happened that the handsome prince from Upper Sanibel had been sitting at her side all those years waiting for the day the princess would awaken.

He had fallen in love with her when he first saw her silver spoon removal surgery photos in the Babylonia Journal of Medicine. When she awoke the first person she saw was the prince. The gecko had already fled. She loved the prince at first sight. The two embraced and vowed to spend the rest of their lives together raising money for other silver-spoon-in-the-mouth victims.

And what about the Captiva armies waiting to attack? Here, too, the great god Bailey intervened. As the invading armies began to cross Blind Pass, he caused the currents to stir so violently that the armies were swept all the way to Miami Beach where they became lifeguards and opened sun tan lotion concession stands on the beach.

And good king Krocknor turned the two Sanibels over to the prince and princess and retired to grow more salami crops. And one day the retired king discovered mustard and everyone lived happily ever after.