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Campaign promises I would like to hear

By Staff | Feb 26, 2009

Sanibel is at a crossroads. The campaign for City Council vacancies is in full swing and it’s recently hit its stride when two of the five candidates gathered to debate the issues.

All of the candidates are fully qualified and the decisions for voters will be difficult ones. Yet, with all the rhetoric and chest beating I’ve failed to hear campaign promises that make the most sense. If I were a candidate, which I’m not and won’t be talked into even with the promise of expensive gifts from contractors, I would put campaign issues on the table which haven’t even been raised by a single candidate.

1. If I’m elected I promise to put muzzles on all island alligators.

2. I promise to back a bill to require all island restaurants to accept and honor reservations.

3. I promise to limit Periwinkle to four lanes and not the eight lanes that are presently being discussed in secret meetings in Lee County.

4. I promise to maintain the balance in Sanibel between protected land and commercially available land to 70-30 notwithstanding the planned race track in Ding Darling.

5. If I’m elected I promise to provide a bumper sticker for every car on the island that says “Protect the Environment Recycle Your Cigarettes”.

6. I promise to make beach erosion a campaign pledge. I’m for beach erosion because sand gets much too hot at times.

7. I promise to protect the rights of bikers by making it mandatory for cars to use the bicycle paths and bicycles the roads.

8. I promise to eliminate the words “referendum” and “amendment” from the voting lexicon and replace them with words the voters can truly understand, like put your x here, stupid and this ain’t Palm Beach, dude.

9. I promise to change the name of Sanibel’s governing body from “City Council” to “Small Village Council” until Sanibel can muster five hundred thousand votes to qualify.

10. I promise to maintain the unique ecological ambiance of Sanibel by opening a safari in “Ding” Darling complete with former City Council members roaming freely in the fields.

11. There will be new guidelines on all new private house construction. Each new house can be no larger than the log cabin in which Abraham Lincoln was born. If it was good enough for honest Abe, it’s good enough for Sanibel.

12. And, finally, I promise to reward all City Council members who have served our fine community by awarding them a life time pension of unlimited menu selections at Mad Cow and Hungry Heron.