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Shell Shocked: Sanibel restaurant reviews

February 13, 2019
By ART STEVENS , Island Reporter, Captiva Current, Sanibel-Captiva Islander

I've been asked by this newspaper to review all the new restaurants in Sanibel. Here are my reviews:

- Good.

- Fair.

Article Photos

Art Stevens

- Excellent.

- Amateurish.

- Stick to home cooking.

- Not worth the frying pan the food is cooked on.

- Exuberant.

- Tastes like all the food was cooked in cod liver oil.

- Tastes like all the food was cooked in vintage wine.

- Ice cream on the half shell is not a good idea.

- Nova Scotia salmon in yogurt is not a good idea.

- The Caesar's salad tasted more like a Brutus swamp.

- The grouper should have been tossed back.

- Lobster tail? It was more like buttered asparagus.

- Veal piccata? It was more like elephant hide.

- The stains on the linen matched perfectly.

- I don't think a pinch of wine is worth fifteen bucks.

- It's got its act together which places it in the mediocre category.

- Does this restaurant know the definition of spices?

- What does the waiter do with his time in between visiting our table once every twenty minutes?

- Can you turn off the Lawrence Welk music?

- If your menu type is that small how about having reading glasses readily available?

- Yes, I asked for fresh fish, but not one that's still swimming across the table.

- Yes, you've made the decor very nautical, but do you need to have someone hanging from the mast?

- I appreciate that your key lime pie is very fresh but why do I need to peel a whole lime?

- The specials sound great. Now tell me about the unspecials.

- Fried rhinoceros? You've got to be kidding.

- The French fries are soggy. They taste like sauted newspaper pages.

- The New England clam chowder tastes like the remnants of the Boston Tea Party.

- The eggs Benedict look like ping pong balls adorned with spiced mulch.

I reviewed these restaurants without revealing my identity. As far as the restaurant staffs were concerned, I was just a silly gigolo wearing a smoking jacket. Therefore, the restaurant names are also anonymous to protect me from being sauted alive and placed in a pizza oven. Sorry, but you'll have to guess which restaurants the reviews above are for. My next assignment from this newspaper is to review condo swimming pools.



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